"Women, Food, and God"...hmmmm

I'm not a faithful Oprah follower but last night I found myself glued to the television, DVR remote in hand, quickly zipping past every commercial. From the moment I found out that she would be revealing the cure for the fat lady blues, I vowed to watch it. For 3 days my mind wondered and guessed at what this miracle cure could be. I not so intentionally waited til late in the evening to watch it. The not so intentional part I will explain in tomorrow's post, there's never a dull moment with the Artis 6. But anyway, I thought of what foods she could reveal, or what pill, or form of exercise she had found. I was not prepared for what she revealed. I expected quick fixes, that would melt away tens of pounds in minutes, what I got was a harsh reality jolt.
Oprah's big answer which is based upon a book,"Women, Food, and God" by Geneen Roth is to go within and heal my pain......what?!?!? What addict wants to hear that? No food addict or any other addict wants to hear that you must realize that you are using food or your drug of choice to push down emotions that you are afraid to feel, only to realize that you're self medicating after feeling the pain anyway. I sat in shock as I listened to Oprah talk about how she had spent a lifetime trying to make other people happy. The fear of feeling other people's disappointment in her had driven her to eat, and eat, and eat. She confessed to using food to numb herself. I listened to woman after woman confess to hating themselves because they were fat, and they were fat because they were eating when they weren't hungry, and they were eating when they weren't hungry because they were feeling something else, maybe loneliness, or heartache, or the pain of losing loved ones, or feeling like where is my life going, what am I doing, does my life really revolve around baking cookies, and washing clothing, and building my husband up? Don't get me wrong, each woman is happy to have the blessing of family and friends, and the things we as women do to build up and nurture family and friends are labors of love that we willingly do to see our loved ones happy. Why are we eating/numbing ourselves into lala land, slowly killing our physical, emotional, and spiritual selves? Constantly eating is a way of punishing ourselves for the hurt we feel. Oprah said that one of her friends once told her that her overweight self is an invitation to her best life. At first I didn't understand what she meant, but by the end of the show I clearly understood. As I sit here clicking and tapping away as this keyboard I feel my overweight self inviting me to finally take a good look at those things which I have been avoiding. At what point will I see that I am punishing me and robbing me of the joys of being emotionally free, and physically light? What is it that I am afraid to feel? Is it the pain of seeing dreams unrealized, or the fear of chasing them down? Is it the young Courtney from years past who felt like she was never quite accepted by her peers or is that young Courtney from years past alot closer to being me today than I care to admit to? What causes me to be so shy around others, afraid to say what I really think and feel, all too willing to keep my thoughts to myself and voice them later when no one is around, b/c at that point there is no one around to challenge, disagree, or criticize what I think or feel. I always agree with me. I feel like I'm a good writer and I still sit and stare at a post for hours or sometimes days before posting for fear of what someone will think of what I've written........ What causes me to shun the physical contact of people and prefer to be with just me, keeping friends and family members at a comfortable distance.....in a place where I can easily unplug them at a moments notice? Right now I don't know the answers to this questions and just thinking about them makes me crave a big ole slice of molten chocolate cake, but Oprah invited me, and anyone else who watched the show to join her on a 2 month journey and find the answers that will heal our pains. I think I just might take her up on this offer. Its about time that I turn and face the crowd and stop allowing the fear of feelings paralyze me........whew. So I'm off to purchase the book.............