Monday, June 7, 2010

"Women, Food, and God"....AGAIN

Hello know its never good when I start a blog post with hello. It's my way of shyly coming forth to say.....I messed up. I was doing so good. I was reading "Women, Food, and God" by Geneen Roth, and it was really impacting me and touching me and forcing me to think about things in a way I hadn't and I was blogging and sharing my thoughts and revelations with you guys and then, summer school punched me, my birthday tried to revive my spirits but back pain came right back into my life and ripped through my days like a horrible storm, and I found myself in the same situation I always do. Instead of feeling and dealing with the stress and emotions of too many assignments in French class in summer school, and embracing and celebrating another year of life the way I promised myself I would, and then dealing with the pain that comes with having major back surgery 2 months ago......I ate. And boy did I really eat. Everytime I felt back pain I reached for something rich and sweet and I stuffed my face and I smiled and for a few moments it seemed that everything else disappeared. I could feel this warm gush of familiar comfort moving through every inch of my body as I bit into those delicious chocolate walnut brownies. It felt so much better than thinking about all the other stuff and wondering why the dogg-on surgery didn't take away my back pain. I'm not ready to accept or come to grips with the possibility that at 34 I may have a chronic debilitating disease that threatens to change every aspect of my life. I never intended to be a physical burden to my husband. He married a happy, healthy, slightly chunky, but beautiful woman 10 years ago who was able to get up and down without his help. Things aren't going the way I planned. But food seems to fix it all, until yesterday I went to put on the dress he thinks I look so beautiful in, and it wouldn't zip! The waist band was riding up across my boobs. So, this morning I picked the book back up and I am starting from the beginning. I fell off the wagon but I am determined not to stay off. I will overcome this love/hate addiction I have going on with food.......well, here goes nothing, AGAIN!